The mind of the girl was quiet and numb,
The blackest of thoughts were still to come.
She screamed without noise,
She cried without tears.
She hates herself,
Please take away her fears.
Her mind is a prison,
Self sentence to hang.
Although mother and wife,
Of guilt not a pang.
She was dying to spare them,
She truly believed.
Her plan interrupted,
She is now eternally relieved.
They anointed her head with conductant,
But no crown of thorn.
Tears began to run down her face,
Each night in her slumber afraid of the dawn.
She wants to say thank you,
For all of your help.
For showing her how,
To once again be herself.
Her heart still hurts,
But not every day.
She is on a long journey,
But now knows the way.
The team on ‘Newton’
Showed respect and compassion.
They wiped her tears;
Gave advice and support with a passion.
The mind of the girl reverted slowly to Claire,
I have thoughts of the future and a family to share.
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Friday, 11 March 2011
Reflection
When I began this hideous journey again last spring I began by taking each day at a time. This soon became too much and I began trying to manage each hour at a time. If I was to break my day down into units now I can not even face the next minute. This is how I know it is time to admit defeat. Time to give in, time to let this force in my brain take the power it is fighting with me for each waking and many sleeping moments. Time to die.
I was naïve enough to believe those around me after my daughter was born four years ago that recovery was indeed possible. That I could be fixed. I now recognise that I need to accept I am broken beyond repair. If I were a domestic pet I would have been put down; well please someone HELP ME as I can not and will not carry on like this.
02.30am and I wish to be neither awake nor asleep. Awake and my head isracing with thoughts of the perfect plan to end my torture and asleep I have grown to expect dreams of horror, horror and fear.
My husband has just informed me that he has called the ward tonight to check up on me. Apparently my dear dear friend S had called him concerned after I had shared with her how utterly desperate I feel.
Mistake. Big fucking mistake as I can feel already that I have shut down ranks. Now I will talk to no one. I will keep my counsel and sort things out myself. I always have done the sorting of things myself so at least I'm well practiced.
Also been in touch with a previous patient tonight who told me about another patient taking her underwear and actually admitting to it. I am not entirely stupid and know to take everything I am told here with a pinch of salt but this has still concerned me.
When I was a young child I knew no better and allowed 'him' to act out his sexual perversions on me, once I realised how wrong this was I vowed to be in control - even if this meant handing myself on a plate to men I was in control. The thought of someone taking my undergarments for their own pleasure and without my permission litterally leaves me terrified.
Whether or not it was based on their own perceptions or on my husbands phone call I guess I will never know but what I do know is that the staff have been especially wonderful today. Tonight they even managed to encourage me to leave the relative sanctuary of my bedroom.
Nurse L even managed to convince me that she needed my help with scrabble (hmmmmmmmm I think not) and this evening nurse N brought in dvd's of the sex and the city films. I was able to escape briefly into my pre-marriage/child for a short while and remember some of my single youthful adventures and dating!
I am struggling to write now as I am so tired but fingers crossed for a peaceful night. If only I could look forward to reprieve from my horrific thoughts when I was asleep. Night folks. X
I was naïve enough to believe those around me after my daughter was born four years ago that recovery was indeed possible. That I could be fixed. I now recognise that I need to accept I am broken beyond repair. If I were a domestic pet I would have been put down; well please someone HELP ME as I can not and will not carry on like this.
02.30am and I wish to be neither awake nor asleep. Awake and my head isracing with thoughts of the perfect plan to end my torture and asleep I have grown to expect dreams of horror, horror and fear.
My husband has just informed me that he has called the ward tonight to check up on me. Apparently my dear dear friend S had called him concerned after I had shared with her how utterly desperate I feel.
Mistake. Big fucking mistake as I can feel already that I have shut down ranks. Now I will talk to no one. I will keep my counsel and sort things out myself. I always have done the sorting of things myself so at least I'm well practiced.
Also been in touch with a previous patient tonight who told me about another patient taking her underwear and actually admitting to it. I am not entirely stupid and know to take everything I am told here with a pinch of salt but this has still concerned me.
When I was a young child I knew no better and allowed 'him' to act out his sexual perversions on me, once I realised how wrong this was I vowed to be in control - even if this meant handing myself on a plate to men I was in control. The thought of someone taking my undergarments for their own pleasure and without my permission litterally leaves me terrified.
Whether or not it was based on their own perceptions or on my husbands phone call I guess I will never know but what I do know is that the staff have been especially wonderful today. Tonight they even managed to encourage me to leave the relative sanctuary of my bedroom.
Nurse L even managed to convince me that she needed my help with scrabble (hmmmmmmmm I think not) and this evening nurse N brought in dvd's of the sex and the city films. I was able to escape briefly into my pre-marriage/child for a short while and remember some of my single youthful adventures and dating!
I am struggling to write now as I am so tired but fingers crossed for a peaceful night. If only I could look forward to reprieve from my horrific thoughts when I was asleep. Night folks. X
Time to say goodbye?
My life is like a sitcom at times and often if I'm truthful leaves me confused and thinking WTF. Tonight was a perfect example of my less than perfect life.
I woke up this morning with a horrendous sore throat, and given that last time shortly after my admission I had a quincy on my tonsils I was so afraid this had happened again. Thank God no quincy 'just' tonsillitis - oh joy. So to cut short a long story I have felt poorly all day, I even struggled to smoke which means I'm proper poorly. All I wanted was. Cuddle and bless my wonderful husband who after a gig after his full time job drove all the way over here just to provide said hug.
My blackberry has gone a bit odd, don't know if my dropping it so many times has finally done some damage but it has started to re-send me emails from 2009.... Now this in itself is odd BUT today it played its trump card by changing its ring tone and blasting out 'time to say goodbye' by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.... Well I am on a psychiatric ward with suicidal depression so you can imagine the alarm bells which accompanied it.... Like I say my life could well be a sitcom!
So with penicillin and hugs I should be on the mend. Speak soon peeps (when my voice doesn't sound like a pre-pubescent boy on helium)
X
I woke up this morning with a horrendous sore throat, and given that last time shortly after my admission I had a quincy on my tonsils I was so afraid this had happened again. Thank God no quincy 'just' tonsillitis - oh joy. So to cut short a long story I have felt poorly all day, I even struggled to smoke which means I'm proper poorly. All I wanted was. Cuddle and bless my wonderful husband who after a gig after his full time job drove all the way over here just to provide said hug.
My blackberry has gone a bit odd, don't know if my dropping it so many times has finally done some damage but it has started to re-send me emails from 2009.... Now this in itself is odd BUT today it played its trump card by changing its ring tone and blasting out 'time to say goodbye' by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli.... Well I am on a psychiatric ward with suicidal depression so you can imagine the alarm bells which accompanied it.... Like I say my life could well be a sitcom!
So with penicillin and hugs I should be on the mend. Speak soon peeps (when my voice doesn't sound like a pre-pubescent boy on helium)
X
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
overnight leave...
So I've just arrived back on the ward after overnight leave at home. I feel like a great big fat failure. I think my mood has slipped again the past couple of weeks if I'm honest but I dare not mention this to anyone as for a brief moment when I was cuddled on the sofa with my hubby and my daughter I felt safe. For the briefest of moments I believed everyone who has told me it will all be ok and that recovery is possible then reality hit. Reality hit me in the face like a brick. My reality is that like a virus that lays dormant then gives you a coldsore when you are run down depression will always be there lurking in my life. I hate that this is something I have no control over, I crave control.
I used every scrap of energy I had saved up yesterday to ensure my daughters excitement at having me home was justified, the mistake I made was going overdrawn and using todays energy too. We made pancakes and argued over the best toppings, when our daughter was out of earshot my husband and I cracked jokes about tossing (well it was Shrove tuesday/pancake day!) it almost felt 'normal'. It wasn't 'normal' however as we both knew I had to come back today, that our trying to lead a 'normal' family life was a game. We were just practising.
I read a bedtime story to my beautifully thoughtful four year old and she said 'you used to rea me this one when you used to live here mammy' my heart broke into a million pieces whilst I wondered what she actually understood and what she just smiled and nodded at but remained confused? At 4 the world is simplistic, mammy had gone. Full stop.
What I then did was stupidity on my part. I ought to have known my reaction but still I set myself up for a fall. I wanted to prove to myself that I was in control, I wanted to prove that the flashbacks were a thing of the past. Why? Why would I put myself through that? I initiated intimacy with my husband who at first tried to say it was too soon, he was kind and understanding as he always is, he said that there was no rush and that we should take our time. I knew he wouldn't resist for long - he has been home alone for nearly four months - I thought if we could make love I was 'well'. How could I be so stupid, as gentle and considerate as he is the sheer act itself left me shaking. I closed my eyes and I was a child again being violated. I know I initiated the act and I tried to remain in control but my memories took over once again. I hate my brain.
I was up pacing until after 2.30am, sleep seemed impossible, my thoughts were racing as fast as my feet were wearing the carpet, possibly even faster. I then decided I HAD to go to bed and at least try to get some sleep. I lay in my husbands arms feeling a vast array of emotions, I felt safe in his arms but equally I felt constrained by his arms, in my state of alertness too great for 3am. I wanted to walk. I wanted to walk and walk and feel the wind on my face, to be alone with my thoughts however dangerous they may have been. I had made a promise though, I had promised my key nurse that I would stay indoors, that I wouldn't leave the flat alone.
If I'm honest the only reason I didn't walk was that my daughter has a chesty cough and had quite a disturbed night, I didn't want her to be unwell and mammy not to be there. Once again my 4 year old guardian angel or as the hospital like to put it in my care plans my 'protective factor'
When my daughter walked into our marital bedroom this morning the look on her face when she realised mammy had slept at home was amazing, I thought she was going to burst with excitement. She was thrilled that mammy had stayed at home overnight. I wanted to share her happiness but my heart had gained weight overnight again, with my heart heavy and my soul tortured I wonder will I ever be free?
I used every scrap of energy I had saved up yesterday to ensure my daughters excitement at having me home was justified, the mistake I made was going overdrawn and using todays energy too. We made pancakes and argued over the best toppings, when our daughter was out of earshot my husband and I cracked jokes about tossing (well it was Shrove tuesday/pancake day!) it almost felt 'normal'. It wasn't 'normal' however as we both knew I had to come back today, that our trying to lead a 'normal' family life was a game. We were just practising.
I read a bedtime story to my beautifully thoughtful four year old and she said 'you used to rea me this one when you used to live here mammy' my heart broke into a million pieces whilst I wondered what she actually understood and what she just smiled and nodded at but remained confused? At 4 the world is simplistic, mammy had gone. Full stop.
What I then did was stupidity on my part. I ought to have known my reaction but still I set myself up for a fall. I wanted to prove to myself that I was in control, I wanted to prove that the flashbacks were a thing of the past. Why? Why would I put myself through that? I initiated intimacy with my husband who at first tried to say it was too soon, he was kind and understanding as he always is, he said that there was no rush and that we should take our time. I knew he wouldn't resist for long - he has been home alone for nearly four months - I thought if we could make love I was 'well'. How could I be so stupid, as gentle and considerate as he is the sheer act itself left me shaking. I closed my eyes and I was a child again being violated. I know I initiated the act and I tried to remain in control but my memories took over once again. I hate my brain.
I was up pacing until after 2.30am, sleep seemed impossible, my thoughts were racing as fast as my feet were wearing the carpet, possibly even faster. I then decided I HAD to go to bed and at least try to get some sleep. I lay in my husbands arms feeling a vast array of emotions, I felt safe in his arms but equally I felt constrained by his arms, in my state of alertness too great for 3am. I wanted to walk. I wanted to walk and walk and feel the wind on my face, to be alone with my thoughts however dangerous they may have been. I had made a promise though, I had promised my key nurse that I would stay indoors, that I wouldn't leave the flat alone.
If I'm honest the only reason I didn't walk was that my daughter has a chesty cough and had quite a disturbed night, I didn't want her to be unwell and mammy not to be there. Once again my 4 year old guardian angel or as the hospital like to put it in my care plans my 'protective factor'
When my daughter walked into our marital bedroom this morning the look on her face when she realised mammy had slept at home was amazing, I thought she was going to burst with excitement. She was thrilled that mammy had stayed at home overnight. I wanted to share her happiness but my heart had gained weight overnight again, with my heart heavy and my soul tortured I wonder will I ever be free?
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