What have I done to deserve this? Is it a test? I try to live a good life, I try to be kind, to show compassion to others but I must be bad to the core.
The anti-biotics I was prescribed for my throat have had the unpleasant side effect of giving me thrush. As a consequence of the pain and discomfort of the thrush I have spent a great deal of time fighting off the flash backs of my childhood. I thought I was rid of these flash backs but no, I deserve no better.
My brain is once again playing tricks on me, kicking me whilst I'm down. I know that personification of my brain may seem ridiculous; it is simply an organ I know that but I do feel as though I am being punished.
I hate that something as simple as thrush can throw me mentally back twenty odd years to being a frightened little girl. At least I am trusted with my own thrush treatment... it mustn't be poisonous then!!!
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Friday, 11 February 2011
Information sharing is good for the soul
OMG what on earth have I done? I have agreed as I am so emotionally stunted to let my primary nurse read my notes on how I feel. I am 50/50 part of me thinks she will gain a better understanding of me and part of me is terrified of any consequences.
I have learned (the hard way) that being honest has consequences, which is partly why I keep most of my thoughts to myself. Well its done now so nothing I can do about it and given that I appear to be as open as a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show when I am coming around from anaesthesia after ECT so it is all probably nothing they don't already know.
My four year old daughter has just been in with my two sisters-in-law, lovely to see them all but heartbreaking to watch their backs as they leave. Bittersweet irony that last time I was a patient at this hospital with postnatal depression after the birth of my daughter I was convinced that we should get her adopted and yet now my heart aches with love for her.
Maybe she would still be better off without me? My husband and my daughter seem to be coping without me. They both deserve so much more. I MUST die.
I have learned (the hard way) that being honest has consequences, which is partly why I keep most of my thoughts to myself. Well its done now so nothing I can do about it and given that I appear to be as open as a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show when I am coming around from anaesthesia after ECT so it is all probably nothing they don't already know.
My four year old daughter has just been in with my two sisters-in-law, lovely to see them all but heartbreaking to watch their backs as they leave. Bittersweet irony that last time I was a patient at this hospital with postnatal depression after the birth of my daughter I was convinced that we should get her adopted and yet now my heart aches with love for her.
Maybe she would still be better off without me? My husband and my daughter seem to be coping without me. They both deserve so much more. I MUST die.
Some songs seem to reach out to me...
Gary Jules - Mad World
'Hold my head I wanna drown my sorrow.
No tomorrow. No tomorrow.
I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.......'
'Hold my head I wanna drown my sorrow.
No tomorrow. No tomorrow.
I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.......'
Thursday, 10 February 2011
A letter to God
Dear God
Why do you mock me so? Why do you insist I wake each morning? I put off getting dressed each morning, partly as the energy consumption for this task is too great and partly as I live in hope that I haven't really woken; that I have passed over in the night.
Just spoken to hubby who is on his way so I guess I need to dress; I must be alive. Why God? Why?
Take me. Let some poorly child who is desperate to live remain in my place. I can not carry on like this I need to end my torment. For what reason do you make me suffer? Am I that evil?
I thought hubby and daughter would fall apart without me but they seem to be coping well. I am surplus.
On a positive note I must seem ok as I don't think my observations are 15 mins any more - If only I had the energy and motivation to use that time constructively.
Maybe better to hold on anyway, I couldn't expect any pall bearers to carry me this heavy. I was reminded yesterday why I always shower rather than bathe. 'Have a bath, it'll be relaxing' I lay there looking down at the repulsive monstrosity that is my body. It was not relaxing.
Why do you mock me so? Why do you insist I wake each morning? I put off getting dressed each morning, partly as the energy consumption for this task is too great and partly as I live in hope that I haven't really woken; that I have passed over in the night.
Just spoken to hubby who is on his way so I guess I need to dress; I must be alive. Why God? Why?
Take me. Let some poorly child who is desperate to live remain in my place. I can not carry on like this I need to end my torment. For what reason do you make me suffer? Am I that evil?
I thought hubby and daughter would fall apart without me but they seem to be coping well. I am surplus.
On a positive note I must seem ok as I don't think my observations are 15 mins any more - If only I had the energy and motivation to use that time constructively.
Maybe better to hold on anyway, I couldn't expect any pall bearers to carry me this heavy. I was reminded yesterday why I always shower rather than bathe. 'Have a bath, it'll be relaxing' I lay there looking down at the repulsive monstrosity that is my body. It was not relaxing.
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
A shadow of myself...
A shadow of myself... I look at the girl who I am on the ward with and I see a version of myself. The 'me' I could have been, the 'me' I nearly was.
At 16 and effectively homeless I remember making the conscious decision between baby and council house and education. I'm not judging those who took that route, sometimes I wonder if it was the easier path? In hindsight I probably made the right decision for me. Education was my key to escape. And physically escape I did, mentally I will always be that frightened little girl.
This fellow inmate has so much going for her, I wish she was able to see her qualities. For all our differences on a social level we get on well and I hope we can remain friends following our 'release'. I think we have much to learn from each other.
At 16 and effectively homeless I remember making the conscious decision between baby and council house and education. I'm not judging those who took that route, sometimes I wonder if it was the easier path? In hindsight I probably made the right decision for me. Education was my key to escape. And physically escape I did, mentally I will always be that frightened little girl.
This fellow inmate has so much going for her, I wish she was able to see her qualities. For all our differences on a social level we get on well and I hope we can remain friends following our 'release'. I think we have much to learn from each other.
Sunday, 6 February 2011
RIP me
RIP me; the old me will never return now and to be honest I'm not even sure I'd want her to. I feel like Geri Halliwell when she did her first solo single video and showed a coffin with the Union Jack draped over and the word 'Ginger' spelled out along the side in flowers.
I remember the old me fondly for the most part; strong, ambitious, focused. All attributes which have drowned in this vast ocean of depression.
Today I have questioned whether the advance statement is worth as much as the paper it is written on let alone the hours I spent agonising over its contents? It seems not. I spent countless hours and infinite energy on that document which was written as a well person to give folks an insight into my personality with a precis of both my life and my experiences of illness.
Maybe I am not ill though? Maybe this IS just my personality? A flawed personality, shaped by my weaknesses and faults?
I remember the old me fondly for the most part; strong, ambitious, focused. All attributes which have drowned in this vast ocean of depression.
Today I have questioned whether the advance statement is worth as much as the paper it is written on let alone the hours I spent agonising over its contents? It seems not. I spent countless hours and infinite energy on that document which was written as a well person to give folks an insight into my personality with a precis of both my life and my experiences of illness.
Maybe I am not ill though? Maybe this IS just my personality? A flawed personality, shaped by my weaknesses and faults?
Settling in?
It has been a week since I have last written, a week in my own self inflicted hell. Please save me from myself. The ward is so busy that I feel like a bother. No ward staff have made me feel like that and I understand the nature of an acute admission ward is exactly this reality but my own insecurities are real in my own mind.
I try not to ask for anything as I know most people are more unwell than me. The one time I did ask for help, for my throat I was mocked and sent back to bed. That will teach me to keep my counsel in future. He was bank staff but that is no excuse in the grand scheme of things. I should have just left my airway to close and died peacefully of natural causes. Nurse P is a prize twat anyway but even he excelled himself on this occasion.
Nurse P has already admitted that he wants to be a school drama teacher not a psych nurse anymore; he would do well to remember however that we are ADULTS who are unwell not 12 year old actors!
I try not to ask for anything as I know most people are more unwell than me. The one time I did ask for help, for my throat I was mocked and sent back to bed. That will teach me to keep my counsel in future. He was bank staff but that is no excuse in the grand scheme of things. I should have just left my airway to close and died peacefully of natural causes. Nurse P is a prize twat anyway but even he excelled himself on this occasion.
Nurse P has already admitted that he wants to be a school drama teacher not a psych nurse anymore; he would do well to remember however that we are ADULTS who are unwell not 12 year old actors!
Catholic Guilt?
Do I believe in eternal damnation? Yes I do I believe that I will be heading straight to hell for ending my own life and that is what I fully intend on doing. I haven't quite decided the logistics of when (although the date will obviously be an even number) or how but I guess I'm stuck with where given my current incarceration in a psychiatric hospital.
I have a number of methods in mind and I feel quite calm about my decision. I know it is the right one. Steve has had the past 8 weeks to 'trial' single dad life and other than the occasional odd combination of clothing on Eve he seems to be coping pretty bloody well.
So I'm off to hell and I have accepted that, now I appreciate that this may seem odd to you but you don't have to live in my head every waking and many sleeping moments. Tortured; that's me. I used to question what I had done to deserve this but now its the other way round and I wonder what made me ever think that I deserved more than this?
I doubt there will be many more posts from me now though although who knows as given my experiences in the past I really ought to accept how poor I am at suicide.
I have a number of methods in mind and I feel quite calm about my decision. I know it is the right one. Steve has had the past 8 weeks to 'trial' single dad life and other than the occasional odd combination of clothing on Eve he seems to be coping pretty bloody well.
So I'm off to hell and I have accepted that, now I appreciate that this may seem odd to you but you don't have to live in my head every waking and many sleeping moments. Tortured; that's me. I used to question what I had done to deserve this but now its the other way round and I wonder what made me ever think that I deserved more than this?
I doubt there will be many more posts from me now though although who knows as given my experiences in the past I really ought to accept how poor I am at suicide.
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