No Terry Wogan here....

Fuck fuck fuck.... When I was coming around from the general anesthetic after my c-section with E at least it was utter rubbish I was speaking. Why then can my brain not choose to witter about Terry Wogan again? Why must it be when it chooses to speak the truth?

I can not believe I stupidly showed nurse G my 'research' on my phone, observations increased again back to 15 mins. :(

Although 15 mins is plenty; look what I nearly achieved in 5 mins on the MBU after I had E.

No half hearted attempts this time though, when I do this it WILL be complete. Not that when I was on the MBU it was a half-hearted attempt, if only they hadn't come back early I wouldn't be here to live through this again.

This is a busier ward though so unlikely that anyone would surprise me here. To be honest I wish I even had the motivation to plan ending my misery. I don't even have the energy to kill myself.

I really am a waste of oxygen. Please God don't let me wake up.

Pro Re Nata

PRN medication; literal translation from the Latin Pro Re Nata which means 'only the thing is needed' I never ask for this lightly, I always try lavender oil and music to calm me in the first instance. I probably smell like an old lady most days! If anyone bothered getting to know me they would realise this. Well I won't request it again that's for sure. I piss myself off though as my arms are in a right mess again with nervous scratching. I have successfully managed to give up most of my coping strategies over the years. I do recognise that this is a positive thing really but I often wonder if this is why my mood now drops even lower these days?

Admission

I want to get things written down as I commence my ECT treatment tomorrow and last time I lost a period of time in my life from my memory. I want a record of everything to enable me to re-visit it and ensure that I NEVER get to this stage again. I agreed to come into hospital as given my history I was told ECT as an outpatient was not an option due to the high risk of me harming myself or worse. I appreciate their assessment and although I would have preferred to remain at home and avoid admission I also know I need help to get well. I'll probably only be in a couple of weeks.

ECT saved my life once before and hopefully will again. I don't want to live but equally don't want to die. I wake up each day and wish I hadn't but then I remember my amazing little family and know that I need to take the strength I gain from their love to get through another day. I pray that I will be the victim of some tragic accident, a faulty kettle lead, an accident during ECT or even possibly hypothermia in the snow.

A tragic accident would end my misery and also take the decision away from me, it would be the Lord had decreed it was my time to go. It would be easier for S and my little princess too. I am a leach at the moment sucking the energy out of our family unit. S says he knows I am unwell and just wants me to recover but he deserves so much better than me. I can't keep letting myself get like this. E wants for nothing, all of her needs are met materially and emotionally but my parenting IS compromised by this EVIL fucker depression.

I am not a bad mother but I know I am not being the mother I now know I am capable of being and this is the most difficult thing in the world to accept. I worked so hard to emotionally become a mother that accepting my failings toward her is hidious. I am hidious.