Admission

I want to get things written down as I commence my ECT treatment tomorrow and last time I lost a period of time in my life from my memory. I want a record of everything to enable me to re-visit it and ensure that I NEVER get to this stage again. I agreed to come into hospital as given my history I was told ECT as an outpatient was not an option due to the high risk of me harming myself or worse. I appreciate their assessment and although I would have preferred to remain at home and avoid admission I also know I need help to get well. I'll probably only be in a couple of weeks.

ECT saved my life once before and hopefully will again. I don't want to live but equally don't want to die. I wake up each day and wish I hadn't but then I remember my amazing little family and know that I need to take the strength I gain from their love to get through another day. I pray that I will be the victim of some tragic accident, a faulty kettle lead, an accident during ECT or even possibly hypothermia in the snow.

A tragic accident would end my misery and also take the decision away from me, it would be the Lord had decreed it was my time to go. It would be easier for S and my little princess too. I am a leach at the moment sucking the energy out of our family unit. S says he knows I am unwell and just wants me to recover but he deserves so much better than me. I can't keep letting myself get like this. E wants for nothing, all of her needs are met materially and emotionally but my parenting IS compromised by this EVIL fucker depression.

I am not a bad mother but I know I am not being the mother I now know I am capable of being and this is the most difficult thing in the world to accept. I worked so hard to emotionally become a mother that accepting my failings toward her is hidious. I am hidious.