When I began this hideous journey again last spring I began by taking each day at a time. This soon became too much and I began trying to manage each hour at a time. If I was to break my day down into units now I can not even face the next minute. This is how I know it is time to admit defeat. Time to give in, time to let this force in my brain take the power it is fighting with me for each waking and many sleeping moments. Time to die.
I was naïve enough to believe those around me after my daughter was born four years ago that recovery was indeed possible. That I could be fixed. I now recognise that I need to accept I am broken beyond repair. If I were a domestic pet I would have been put down; well please someone HELP ME as I can not and will not carry on like this.
02.30am and I wish to be neither awake nor asleep. Awake and my head isracing with thoughts of the perfect plan to end my torture and asleep I have grown to expect dreams of horror, horror and fear.
My husband has just informed me that he has called the ward tonight to check up on me. Apparently my dear dear friend S had called him concerned after I had shared with her how utterly desperate I feel.
Mistake. Big fucking mistake as I can feel already that I have shut down ranks. Now I will talk to no one. I will keep my counsel and sort things out myself. I always have done the sorting of things myself so at least I'm well practiced.
Also been in touch with a previous patient tonight who told me about another patient taking her underwear and actually admitting to it. I am not entirely stupid and know to take everything I am told here with a pinch of salt but this has still concerned me.
When I was a young child I knew no better and allowed 'him' to act out his sexual perversions on me, once I realised how wrong this was I vowed to be in control - even if this meant handing myself on a plate to men I was in control. The thought of someone taking my undergarments for their own pleasure and without my permission litterally leaves me terrified.
Whether or not it was based on their own perceptions or on my husbands phone call I guess I will never know but what I do know is that the staff have been especially wonderful today. Tonight they even managed to encourage me to leave the relative sanctuary of my bedroom.
Nurse L even managed to convince me that she needed my help with scrabble (hmmmmmmmm I think not) and this evening nurse N brought in dvd's of the sex and the city films. I was able to escape briefly into my pre-marriage/child for a short while and remember some of my single youthful adventures and dating!
I am struggling to write now as I am so tired but fingers crossed for a peaceful night. If only I could look forward to reprieve from my horrific thoughts when I was asleep. Night folks. X
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