Pro Mia?

Pro Mia is the term which was given to pro bulimia websites, Mia's sister websites being called pro Ana.  I have begun to wonder if my thoughts this week make me 'pro mia'?

I had the second half of an assessment with a psychologist this week who thankfully agreed that psychology isn't for me right now.  I really don't see the benefit from opening certain cans of worms that are for the most part dealt with, thank goodness she agreed.  It seems that whilst I am mentally well I am quite a well balanced individual, it is only when I am unwell and my thoughts take over that I feel I can't be objective about life.

What this session with the psychologist did make me realise though is that although I have fought (I refuse to say suffered) depression since I was a pre-teen child it was always manageable until I worked so bloody hard to 'give up' my coping mechanisms.

Some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol or maybe sex, my addiction has always been food.  Without belittling any of the addictions I have mentioned above and how difficult the battle must be to break free from the grasp of them, once free the addict is able to physically refrain from the drug for example whereas a food addict still has to face food and eating every single day to survive.

I hate being an emotional eater. My emotional hunger is like the wrinkled skin left over after dieting, it is the last bit left over after 'recovery' from bulimia.  Maybe I miss bulimia, its like a friend who has moved away but I guess I could always pick up the 'phone.

I was left wondering this week if I might be able to keep my mood stable in the long term by deciding to resume my friendship (its a love/hate relationship) with bulimia. Maybe it is sheer coincidence that my episodes of depression have worsened since I gave up throwing up but I don't think so. I honestly believe it somehow kept me on an even keel.  Is my little girl better off growing up with a mammy with an ongoing eating disorder or a mammy at risk of suicide every few years when depression hits like a shovel in the face?

I can not actually believe that after all the effort I put in to breaking free from bulimia I would seriously consider allowing myself to walk that path again. Didn't I say earlier in this blog post that I am a well balanced individual? Ho hum.... x