Thank God today is nearly over, I am exhausted. My mam, nanna and Aunt J all visited together this afternoon. When I have been stuck in here for nearly five weeks my conversation is fairly limited. Waiting in reception for them to arrive I so very nearly bolted. Nurse P from another ward past me and said hello then their car pulled up so in that moment my opportunity had gone. Probably for the best although my misery could be over by now.
Day by day I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep myself safe, which seems to be why everyone keeps saying I need to be here. What no one seems willing to accept is that whether it is morally acceptable or not is immaterial to me I have no desire to continue living. What kind of mother thinks like that? Me. The sort who doesn't deserve the privilege of motherhood.
My daughter deserves, in fact needs better than me. Although if I have unintentionally given her a genetic predisposition to depression I know that it is right and proper that I stick around to deal with the fall out of what I have caused. I am terrified that I don't have the strength of character to cope with that.
Nature versus nurture; if I die now she is able to spend the rest of her childhood without my destructive influence, maybe this would be enough to free her from my grasp?
I want nothing more than for my daughter to be happy, I want her to enjoy not endure her childhood.
I failed at pregnancy, failed at birth, failed at breastfeeding and failed at the early months, I then managed to fool myself that I had been able to correct that. I am failing her again now. I don't want to let her down but I seem incapable of doing anything else.
My husband and my daughter have been having their photographs taken for my friends exhibition, the pictures are lovely. It has been like viewing what the future would be like without me. That is emotionally painful but I recognise that the right decision is not always the easiest one.
My time on this earth is nearly over and I have caused more heartache than love, I will endeavour to correct this over the coming days but maybe I need to accept that some things I am unable to change. Staff persuaded me to leave my room and play scrabble with them, I am pleased I did join them as my thoughts were getting too fast and out of control alone in my bedroom. I needed that distraction.
I think I have managed to convince staff and my family that I am doing well so if things go to plan my observation levels will be reduced to reflect this. Opportunity is all I require now.
Plans have had to be changed however as I asked my mother to bring me a lightweight robe and had no intention of handing in the belt to the staff but nurse V came in to my room for a chat and when I woke up to chat to her it was in my hand so I had no choice but to offer it to her as though I had intended to all along. Good job I am able to return to plan A. I am suddenly aware however that I must keep up the pretence of wellness, off to put my PJ's on.
MUST make this work. Dear God please let me rest in peace.
I am so afraid to go to sleep, first and foremost there is the devastation when I wake up then there is the prospect of re-living some of the worst times in my life during sleep.
Night night folks.
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