I can not motivate myself dress today, it not like I am going anywhere. I would love to leave the ward today, I am craving silence, the ward is always so busy on Mondays.
Talking to other patients is messing with my head. I rarely tell them anything about my life or my reasons for being here but I am regularly surprised by the openness of others. One patient tells me her husband is a paedophile whilst another tells me she was sold into paedophilia at age 14, I am so very afraid for my daughter. I can not and will not allow her to have her innocence stolen. If I am not able to protect her from the vile monsters which are everywhere then my role as a mother should have ended with the birth.
I think it is time to bring forward my plans by a few days. I am struggling with the energy even to execute my plans. I must now work on the assumption that my energy levels will only deplete further.
My husband and daughter have just been in, bless my husband he was so tired that he fell asleep. Spent ages trying to explain to my daughter the difference between shadows and reflection. Bless her she didn't grasp it at all.
Just realised my arm/hand (just had operation) is hurting less as I write - good thing I guess.
Went down to chapel for some quiet reflective time but I had obviously fucked up as nurse V was sent down after me. I shouldn't have opened my big mouth but she knew I was avoiding eye contact. I wish sometimes I was capable of a greater level of deceit. Even if my mouth remains silent my eyes tell all apparently, so I have often been told anyway.
Agreed to join in with a game of scrabble but neither my head nor my heart were in it, two of the four players got up and left me and one other patient. I kept suggesting that we just leave it but I felt I would appear too rude if I just got up and left. I do try to be nice but I guess as the old saying goes 'you can't polish a turd' and I am indeed a turd.
Please Lord let it be over, I am tired.
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